Stiles awkwardly sits across from three strangers in what he hopes will be his new loft because staying with his father has been an awkward and stifling at the same time. Not to mention the commute to work. And Lydia’s offer to camp-out in her living room isn’t too appealing. Or bunking in Scott and Allison’s spare room. He’s tired of living out of a suitcase since he ended it with Matt. Stiles is always up for new things. It’s a start of a new life. A new beginning. So what if the only available apartment listing in his price range was one with werewolves as roommates. He can totally deal with moodiness once a month. He’s dealt with Scott’s wolfy problem growing up. He’s sure he can handle three more wolves. And he’s pretty sure he won’t develop a complex about being the only one not ridiculously attractive.
"So, you know in horror movies when the guy’s like, "Oh, my God. There’s something in the basement. Let me just run down there in shirtless and see what’s going on, in the dark." And you’re like, "What is your problem? Call the police." And he’s like, "Okay", but it’s too late, because he’s already getting murdered. Well, uh, my story’s kind of like that," says Stiles with a self-deprecating smile.
The alpha of the group frowns like one big sour wolf. Derek’s been giving Stiles the most glaring Carebear stare since Isaac opened the door to Stiles’ awkward but friendly wave. Jackson, the other werewolf to round out the group, hasn’t looked up from his texting since the casual interview began.
"I just wanted to know if you had any pets," says Derek.
But Stiles waves him off. They should know what they are getting into. Werewolves love honesty. “Too late, I’m already monologuing.”
Stiles feels so worn after dumping Mr. Fancyman. But he needs passion. He needs that fire. That challenge.
Just getting to the apartment was tiring. He feels like he could sleep for a month. So he’s shocked that he nearly stumbles into Kate when she’s exiting Derek’s room in nothing more than a flannel shirt and a pair of underwear.
"Oh hey, Stiles," grins Kate, brushing her hair back.
"Hey," Stiles manages to garble out. "How are you doin’?"
Though it should be more, who. And Stiles knows that answer.
"Good," Kate says awkwardly before heading towards the washroom. "Just going to the bathroom."
Stiles waits for the bathroom door to close before heading towards Derek’s room. Derek stumbles out, shirtless and in boxers, forcing Stiles backwards.
"Yeah, I know, I just called her and I don’t know-"
"What are you doing? You had a terrible relationship. Arson, Derek, arson. Are you crazy?" Stiles says. He sniffs the air. "Are you seriously burning incense?
"Yeah, I am for ambiance. She digs it," glares Derek.
"She’s an arsonist, of course she digs it," Stiles whispers harshly looking towards the bathroom. "Are you crazy? What happened? What happened to swearing off women? And focusing on tomatoes?"
"I can’t grow tomatoes, Stiles," Derek replies, rubbing his jaw in frustration. "I think this is what was supposed to happen all along. Me and Kate. I am okay with it. I’m happy."
"That is pathetic, Derek. You’re just saying that because you don’t have the patience or courage to be alone. Or the drive to find a compatible mate."
The toilet flushes and Stiles hears water running. Kate walks back out with a carefree smile. Stiles is thankful that she doesn’t share any of his housemates’ keen hearing.
"I’ll never get used to that bathroom," Kate smiles, not noticing the tension as she kisses Derek on the cheek.
"Hey, would you give me a second, I have to talk to Stiles for a minute," Derek says, not taking his eyes off of Stiles.
"Oh, sure," smiles Kate. "Don’t keep me waiting too long."
"Bye Kate," Stiles waves awkwardly as Derek steps into the hall and closes the door behind him. Derek turns to Stiles.
"What is your problem?" glares Derek.
"Have fun making terrible life decisions!" Stiles says before storming off to the living room.
"Oh and you just know everything," growls Derek, following him. "I am really sick of you."
"I am just really disappointed in you," Stiles sighs.
"Maybe I’ll be more like you Stiles, and I’ll try to solve Scott’s problems rather than fix mine."
"That’s not what I do!"
"And tell other people how to live their lives," continues Derek.
"You’re one to talk, Mr. Sour Alpha!"
"Why don’t you go back into your room and put on your stupid leather jacket and keep not living up to your potential," shouts Stiles.
"You’re a crazy person, Stiles!" growls Derek.
"Am I? I’m just saying stuff you don’t want to hear," Stiles says.
"You know what I would like to hear from you?" shouts Derek.
"Well I’m not going to be silent," Stiles says, throwing his arms in the air in frustration.
"Just shut up for one second!"
"I am trying to help you," shouts Stiles over Derek’s growl.
"Be quiet," growls Derek, pushing Stiles up against the wall. "I don’t want your help."
Stiles is so angry. A red haze is giving him tunnel vision. Derek’s stupid face is all he can focus on. Derek’s eyes haloing red.
"Stop making that face at me," shouts Stiles. "I hate that face."
"This is my only face," growls Derek, forgetting to reign in his voice. Forgetting that Kate is just behind his bedroom door. "I don’t have a lot of faces."
Derek’s breath is ghosting harshly into Stiles’ face. Stiles’ heartbeat is climbing as Derek pauses for air. Their eyes lock.
"And if you don’t like looking at my face, Stiles. Then look at my ass!"
- Stiles: Please put on some pants. Everything you say sounds creepy when you're not wearing pants.
- Derek: You smell nice.
- Isaac: Urgh.
- Derek: This coffee is smoldering.
- Stiles: So creepy.
- Erica: You officially ruined breakfast. I can't even.
- Derek: You have an apartment. Go there. I do not need to hear what you and Isaac get up to.
- Isaac: At least we wear pants in the kitchen.
- Stiles: Derek. Put on some pants. Or at least some really high socks.
- Derek: High socks it is.
- Stiles: You've always wanted a thing. This could be your thing! The guy with no phone!
- Derek: Who is that guy? I don't want to be that guy. And I have a thing, I'm the Alpha.
- Stiles: No, no. It's like mysterious. It's "I want to call Derek Hale. You can't. He doesn't have a phone. What?". You can go all ghost protocol on everyone. Be even more of a creeper.
- Derek: That's stupid.
- Stiles: Well, maybe next time you'll think twice before throwing your phone at the wall, Mr. Alpha Smartypants. Instead of going all ghost protocol.
- Derek: Less sarcasm next time, Stiles. I don't think they heard you in Canada.
- Stiles: You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost. Casper has a better rating than you.
- Stiles: Buying a phone is a big deal. Think of how long you'll have this thing. It's like buying a car or a pair of boxers. Eight years, man. [pulls up shirt to reveal Batman boxers]
- Derek: Aren't you too old for that?
- Stiles: You're just jealous.
- Store Clerk: Hey, sorry. I was just checking your credit score and I got this number that's crazily low so I'll try again.
- Derek: Don't bother, I am sure it's right.
- Store Clerk: Seriously?
- Stiles: Are you kidding me? 250? You get 150 for being alive!
- Store Clerk: Ava! We've got a 250 credit score!
- Derek: I guess that forty dollars I saved on that American Eagle card didn't pay off.
- Stiles: Do you have a box of charity phones you're sending to Africa? Can he just have one of those?
- Store Clerk: Naya! Leah! He's got a 250 credit score!
- Derek: They're bringing everybody out. What is this.
- Store Clerk: Oh I'm sorry, I've been doing this such a long time. I've just never seen a score this low before. Did you just wake up from a coma?
- Stiles: This is amazing. I feel like I am dreaming. I need to take a picture.
- Derek: I am never shopping with you again.
- Stiles: So when can I move in?
- Jackson: Ok, uh, can you give us a second? I just got to talk to my boys.
- Derek: "My Boys" is not a thing around here.
- Jackson: My wolves, okay?
- Derek: Okay, douchebag jar. Go. Five dollars.
- Jackson: Worst wolf pack ever.
- Derek: Jar!
- Derek: Here you guys go. Some cookies.
- Jackson: Wow.
- Derek: As you guys know, I'm moving back in with Kate.
- Isaac: Kate is quite the baker. [knocks stale cookie on the table]
- Derek: Anything else? Anyone?
- Isaac: This is a bad plan.
- Erica: This is the same girl who tried to kill you and set the loft on fire.
- Isaac: And I thought you were gay?
- Derek: I'm glad we can talk about this like adults.
- Stiles: You're making a huge life ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic sour wolf with rage issues.
- Derek: I am going to start over 'cause this did not go the way I planned. As you guys know I'm leaving. So there are some things we need to work out-
- Erica: Yeah, like what I am I going to do with all that extra money now that I don't have to cover for you anymore?
- Isaac: Maybe we'll buy a city.
- Jackson: Oh and you can open a mall and call it Isaac's Corner-
- Stiles: What are you guys doing? You are just sitting there and letting this happen.
- Isaac: What else are we supposed to do? The alpha obviously know what he wants.
- Derek: I do.
- Erica: Even if it's the worst plan since he decided to start wearing sunglasses.
- Jackson: When Derek leaves I'm going to call a plumber and just throw cash at him while he works. Fifty. And hundreds. Hundreds.
- Erica: While you're at it can you please call an exterminator? So we can get rid of that crime against nature? [gestures to garden gnome with hammer]
- Stiles: Yeah, he's not fooling anyone. You just think just 'cause he's a snappy dresser the mice don't see the hammer? Mice come from all over the building to laugh at that dummy witch.
- Jackson: Is this a freaking carob chip? What are you trying to do? Buy our love with hippie chocolate?
- Erica: Idiot.
- Stiles: Aren't you going to miss this Derek? Eh, Derek?
I HAVE LEGIT TEARS IN MY EYES FROM LAUGHTER. OMG. LET ME LOVE YOU.
- Allison: So can you help me with this traffic ticket? Stiles said you could help, being you're a lawyer.
- Erica: I mean, I can try. You never know. A judge might buy into this whole thing, so-
- Allison: What "whole thing"?
- Erica: Your whole thing. With the cupcakes, and the braking for birds, and "bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning".
- Allison: Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing.
- Erica: It's a great thing. I mean, the big, beautiful eyes, like a scared baby. I'm sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff.
- Allison: Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral vision's, like, almost too good.
- Erica: Sorry, that was bitchy. I've been working on my anger management.
- Allison: It's ok. It's almost the full moon. Lydia gets the same way. Usually she just makes baristas cry.
- Erica: I don't have a lot of girl friends.
- Allison: Well, I'm supposed to meet Lydia for coffee, you can team up to get free coffee.
- Erica: That sounds nice.
- Stiles: Oh, I get it. Danny's not cool enough for you. 'cause nobody can be cool enough for the big bad alpha. "I'm Derek Hale. I'm so cool, I'll make my cool face. I wear a leather jacket and sunglasses indoors." Why don't you like him?
- Derek: Who cares? Do you like him?
- Stiles: Of course I like him.
- Derek: Okay, fine! It doesn't matter what I think, does it? 'cause I don't have to have sex with him.
- Stiles: I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time.
- Derek: Great.
- Stiles: You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay? I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Wolf Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's for Lunch, and the Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. And I don't care what you think!
- Derek: Then why did you ask me?
- [door opens to reveal entire pack]
- Isaac: Hey, Stiles. Uh... just want you to know everyone really loves Danny. And also, we can hear everything you're saying.
- Stiles: What?
- Isaac: Play through.
- Derek: After you, Stiles. Excuse me.
- Stiles: So, um... just a heads-up. Uh... we're just rehearsing a pilot that, uh, Derek is writing. It's called... Teen Wolf. It's... it's about a man who, um, loves another man named Danny and it's not very good. I'm so sorry.
- Allison: Hey, what are you doing in here?
- Lydia: Jackson's being a jerk. What are you doing in here?
- Allison: Eating cookies and avoiding confrontation. My parents want me to take up the family business. And Scott's freaking out.
- Lydia: Remember when Christmas used to be fun and all I had to do was worry about your grandfather trying to kill me?
- Allison: Yes, Grandpa Gerard. He thought I was a boy.
- Lydia: Such a weirdo.
- Allison: He left me his knife collection.
- Lydia: Even weirder.
- Stiles: [On the phone] The move went super well. Werewolves for roommates really sped it along. But I gotta go, Dad. No, I'm not watching Star Wars. No, I don't think so. Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're a stranger I met on the Internet?
- Derek: Yes, I am.
- Stiles: [Back to the phone] He says "no".
- [Stiles is pretending to be Derek's boyfriend at the wedding and they meet his ex, Kate]
- Derek: Uh, Stiles, this is Katherine.
- Kate: Hi.
- Stiles: One more time. Caitlin?
- Kate: Uh, Kate, actually.
- Stiles: Kathy? Karate?
- Derek: Kate.
- Stiles: Oh, okay. Fancy. Like the duchess. Well, I'm Derek's boyfriend. Or lover. We just started dating, so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep. So much doing it. Sex everywhere. You should see the marks he leaves on me. Ain't that right, my lone wolf?
- Derek: So much doing it. It's crazy.
- Stiles: He's so rugged, like a lumberjack.
- Kate: Well, it was nice to meet you.
- Stiles: So nice to meet you, too, Katniss.
- Kate: It's Kate.
- Stiles: I give up! Names are so hard. Aren't they Derbear?